Me and Chairman Mao

Suck It, Glenn Beck!

As I mentioned a while ago, I converted my book to Kindle format and threw it up on Amazon for 99 cents. (I'd put it up there for free, but they won't let you.) I didn't really tell anyone about it--word of mouth marketing at its best!--but the other day I realized that people were actually buying it. Can you believe it? (Seriously, I only sort of do.)

Lo and behold, at one point, I was up to the #23 slot in Humor > Essays, putting me one slot ahead of Glenn Beck. Take that, Glenn! Also, I am way funnier than you. (But not way funnier than PJ O'Rourke at #25. He writes some funny shit.)

Anyway, here is the proof! Just imagine what my sales will do when I actually get around to telling people they can buy it. Astronomical, obviously. Michael Ian Black, I'm coming for you!

Ta-Da!

At long, long last, everything has been updated: you can download the FINAL final versions or free or buy them (even for the Kindle) if you have a lot of money to burn. And really, these days, who doesn't?

Now all that's left is the sure-to-be-massive advertising blitz. I'll let you know when I figure out what that entails, exactly ....

Same-Same, But Different

As in, my blog: the same, but different.

Yes, the redesign is complete! I'm sure all six of you who stumble upon this will be quite impressed with my design chops. And no training, if you can believe that! (I suspect you can.)

Anyway, if you care enough, let me know what you think. Or even if you don't, just pretend you do and let me know anyway.

The book has been submitted for distribution, so the Amazon link should go live sometime relatively soon. You'll know you can buy it on Amazon when you start seeing it on TV as part of my well-thought out global marketing campaign. Assuming, of course, that someone else is willing to organize, plan, and pay for said campaign. I'll let you know if I find any volunteers ...

Updates.

Long time, no whatever.

Anyway, a few updates.

First, the Lulu book is almost done--I'm just fine-tuning the stuff I didn't like about the first printed draft. More when it's ready to go.

Two, I think TypePad has changed some of their design options and I'm going to be playing around with a redesign with some of the new features, so except a messy looking blog. If it helps, you can just pretent it's Geocities.

Making Copies.

As in, making printed copies of my book. Which I am still planning on doing (via Lulu.com, probably--unless anyone has a better suggestion), and which I was almost done doing ... until my computer stopped working, likely because of a dead/dying hard drive. (Hopefully the latter.) Good times.

But at least I backed up all my stuff ... last August. Man, the digital age sucks.

The Newest in New, Version 2.

And people say poetry is hard. I say pshaw. PSHAW.

Rhyming aside, consider this post the official revealing of Me and Chairman Mao, version 2, which is now all uploaded and ready for downloading. (Also known as "the version with the typos and formatting mistakes fixed.") (Oh, and one paragraph in "A Christmas Story" that had apparently been cut/pasted into nonsense fixed.) (I mean, it's still mostly nonsense, but now it's sensible nonsense.) (If that makes sense.)

Anyway, thanks to everyone who pointed out the errors. And, for once, that's not sarcastic. (Seriously--that's not sarcastic either.) I can't catch all the mistakes--although I did of course try--so I appreciate those of you who helped me out.

And, finally, a printed version is still in the works. Much more in the works now that I have fixed the typos and formatting and that one paragraph in "A Christmas Story" that .... oh, never mind.

SME.

That's subject matter expert, not Captain Hook's first mate--which is spelled with a double-E, I believe--despite being pronounced the same. Although now that I mention that, I can't seem to picture what Smee looked like in the Disney Peter Pan, despite the fact that the aforementioned cartoon is pretty much what I think of by default when I think of Peter Pan. (I'm sure Walt D. would be proud.) Instead, I either picture Bob Hoskins (from Hook) or one of the Seven Dwarfs--Doc, I think, although Dopey would probably be a better fit. (There was a Dopey, wasn't there? I think so. Sounds better than Stupid Dwarf, I guess, if nothing else.)

Whatever. The point of this post is not my knowledge of secondary characters in famous childrens' books, but my status as a SME: Subject Matter Expert. On many vitally important things, of course--Seinfeld lines, LOST mythology, Lord of the Rings, and so on--although in this case the Subject Matter in question is fast food. More specifically, Western Fast Food. In China. Most specifically, the restaurant formerly known as Taco Bell Grande, which is currently known as nothing because it doesn't exist anymore. Mostly on account of not being good/sucking, I'd imagine, but who knows?

Anyway, as a result of my Chinese-style western fast food knowledge--I've said it before and I'll say it again, you try eating Chinese food every meal a day for two years and see if you don't crave a burger and fries--I was interviewed for an online magazine ( everyone give it up for US-China Today!) about that very subject. Well, interviewed or asked to contribute my random, rambling thoughts on the matter, which may or may not be the same thing. I'm not sure. (You can judge for yourself based on this post. Bury the lead, anyone?)

In any case, you can find the results of said interview here--along with the rest of the story, which also includes some information from people who are not me, but why would you care about that:

Ni Hao, would you like fries with that?

Here's just a little taste of what you can expect:

"They said ‘Gracias' to everyone on the way out, but that was the extent of the Spanish speaking," Barbacovi said. "As far as the atmosphere, it was sort of like food-court Mexican, with the vaguely Latin-looking tiled tables and colors, for example. And of course the big sombreros, which, looked more like piñatas than hats."

Naturally, it only gets better from there. And who knows--maybe someday, someone will actually want to talk to me about oh, I don't know--my book. Maybe. I can hope, anyway ...

Printed Copies.

Greetings & Salutations:

Long time, no blogging--turns out, I have been pretty busy lately. Which is strange, because you'd think--with the economy tanking and all--everyone would be less busy, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Go figure.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has downloaded the book and sent me comments. And yes, to answer some of you, I am planning to put out a non-electronic copy (eg, paper) of the book as well. Not just because I love to kick it old school--although, of course, I do--put also because Lulu.com will now let you do that for free, instead of charging you 99 bucks to do it. (Apparently "kicking it old school"=cheap.) And just so you all don't get too excited, that means Lulu will let me set up/print the book for free, not that I'm going to be able to give it away for free. Although I will be selling it for as close to free as possible, for whatever that's worth. (Basically, whatever Lulu says I have to charge for it to cover their costs will be what the price is.)

So expect that sometime next year. (Get in on the "next year" jokes while you can, people.) I have all the edits done to the current version--typos, etc--so once I get done actually fixing those in the electronic versions, I'll get started with Lulu. In, you know, my spare time ...

Talk to you next year!

Man, that never gets old. Or at least, not for me ...

So Far ...

So okay. Fame and fortune have still eluded me. For now. I can't say that is entirely unexpected ...

Banned in the PRC.

That's PRC as in People's Republic of China, for the record, since, you know, no one actually calls it that. At least, no one not officially connected with the PRC. Which, by the way, stands for People's Republic ... oh, never mind.

(On that note, however, did you ever notice that places with authoritarian regimes almost always seem to call themselves Republic? Discuss.)

Anyway, according to a reliable source, this website--yes, the very website you are currently reading--has been blocked in China. Yes, along with other, very very similar websites like, say, the BBC and (sometimes) Wikipedia, my site is unavailable to anyone trying to access it from the PRC. (See above.)

Why? Who knows. Maybe Hu Jintao didn't think this stuff was as funny as I did. Maybe one of the (apparently) many underaged Chinese gymnasts getting ready for the 2012 Olympics was offended because an older sibling makes a living as a "Mongolian Art Student." (Some of these gymnasts haven't even been born yet. True story.) Or maybe, just maybe, I'm on to something. What, exactly, that something is, I'm not quite sure, but I'll let you know if I figure it out. If you have any ideas of what I'm on to--or, after reading my stories, what I may have been on--let me know. I'll be here.

Unless, of course, you are in the PRC ...