Me and Chairman Mao

Obama + Mao = Obamao!

I thought this was pretty funny, since our new President-Elect is clearlya socialist, a Marxist, a terrorist, or some combination of the three. I mean, Sarah Palin wouldn't lie, would she? Actually, I don't think she would, because in order to lie about something like that she'd actually have to understand what she was talking about. DING!

 

(I have no idea where this originally came from, other than that it's from someone called "PhilDragoo.")

But this did get me thinking: Could Obamao maybe get rid of Palin, maybe go Taiwan-style and just kind of cut off Alaska from the rest of the country? (I know that's the reverse of how it happened in China, but I'm trying to make a point. Or at least a post, which is close enough.) Anyway, I know it sounds good at first, but as far as I can tell there are exactly three problems with this. Yes, only three. They are:

1. We need the oil/gas we get from Alaska, and kicking Alaska out of the Union would only increase our reliance on foreign oil, which we all know is a bad thing. Because, you know, increasing our reliance on domestic oil is totally cool and okay.
2. With no Alaska, where would all the people that are too crazy for Montana move to?
3. It might--and this is the most important one--mess with the filming of the next season of Deadliest Catch--since I just assume that filming in a foreign country/foreign waters is more difficult and/or complicated than filming in the good old US of A's waters. Probably. I'm not really sure this applies, but it's not a chance I'm willing to take.

That being the case, I guess we'll have to live with things as they are for the time being, but check back with me in 2012 ...

Chasing the Dragon: Mysterious Beijing.

I just watched this (kind of old) segment from the Daily Show on the Beijing Olympics. Or rather, about one of the Daily Showcorrespondents attempting to "unlock the secrets" of Beijing. It sort of reminded me of my life there. If my life had consisted of being filmed round-the-clock for a popular, award-winning news show instead of just wondering around by myself wondering "What the hell just happened?" most of the time ...

Anyway, it's funny:

 

My favorite line: "It's a good wall, as far as wall's go. I don't know if I'd call it great."

So Far ...

So okay. Fame and fortune have still eluded me. For now. I can't say that is entirely unexpected ...

Like Falling into the Tiger's Mouth ...

Believe it or not--and I don't know why you wouldn't, since I don't have any reason to lie to you (yet)--but, despite the title of this post, it does not actually have anything to do with my HILARIOUS essay Fowl Play, about feeding chickens to tigers, which you can find here among other places. Just, you know, as an FYI ...

No, it is about another piece of literature all together, one which is even funnier, if that is at all possible. (I may be biased, but I'm not sure that it is. Seriously.) It's about the Olympic Health Handbook, distributed as part of the Olympics, which apparently just happened. In China. Who knew? Anyway, some friends brought one back from said event (was it on TV at all? I didn't notice), and--while I haven't had a chance to look at it yet--they did pass on this little nugget of wisdom about electric safety. To wit:

With the popularity of electrical appliances, electricity safely has become an important issue. Accidental electric shock is like falling into the tiger’s mouth. You need skill to escape.

How true that is. I mean, when I think of electric shock, I definitely think of falling into a tiger's mouth. Let's see: frizzy hair and mild tingling, shredded flesh and massive blood loss. Yeah, that's pretty much the same thing ...

Banned in the PRC.

That's PRC as in People's Republic of China, for the record, since, you know, no one actually calls it that. At least, no one not officially connected with the PRC. Which, by the way, stands for People's Republic ... oh, never mind.

(On that note, however, did you ever notice that places with authoritarian regimes almost always seem to call themselves Republic? Discuss.)

Anyway, according to a reliable source, this website--yes, the very website you are currently reading--has been blocked in China. Yes, along with other, very very similar websites like, say, the BBC and (sometimes) Wikipedia, my site is unavailable to anyone trying to access it from the PRC. (See above.)

Why? Who knows. Maybe Hu Jintao didn't think this stuff was as funny as I did. Maybe one of the (apparently) many underaged Chinese gymnasts getting ready for the 2012 Olympics was offended because an older sibling makes a living as a "Mongolian Art Student." (Some of these gymnasts haven't even been born yet. True story.) Or maybe, just maybe, I'm on to something. What, exactly, that something is, I'm not quite sure, but I'll let you know if I figure it out. If you have any ideas of what I'm on to--or, after reading my stories, what I may have been on--let me know. I'll be here.

Unless, of course, you are in the PRC ...

More Number-Crunching.

Now that I've been live for more than a week--with less posts than intended, for the record (see below)--how about some more recent numbers?

• Number of times the domain-level settings for the website were completely messed up, causing about half the people I emailed about this site to go to the wrong website: 1.
• Number of times the above was my fault: 1.
• Number of days since the last post that I have been sick: 3 (Give or take).
• Number of days since the last post that I have been China-level sick: 1.
• Number of comments: 2.
• Number of comments questioning my sexual orientation: 1 (Thank-you, Steve!)
• Number of additional times I can use this Harper's-like list format before it gets old: 0.

And, most importantly:

• Number of times the book has been downloaded: over 100 (Thanks!)

And, I suppose:

• Number of times the book has been downloaded than forwarded to thousands of people, who have all read and enjoyed it more than any other book (written by me about China) ever: over 1,000. (Approximately. Within 995 or so, for sure.)

Stay tuned for ... I don't know. Something entertaining, I hope. I guess you'll have to wait and see. 

Number-Crunching.

As of now -- or at least a few hours ago -- Me and Chairman Mao is officially live. That being said, let's look at some early numbers:

• Number of page views today as of this minute, according to TypePad: 26.
• Number of page views not from me: 5. (Margin of error is +/- 5.)
• Number of dollars made: 0. (Number unlike to change.)
• Number of Nobel Prizes for Literature Received: 0. (See above.)
• Number of Nobel Prizes in any field received: 0.
• Number of Pulitzer Prizes awarded: 100+.
• Number of Pulitzer Prizes awarded ... to me: 0.
• Number of National Book awards won (by me): 0.
• Number of any book awards won (by me): 0.
• Number of comments received: 1.
• Number of comments received that were actually me messing around and were subsequently deleted: 1.
• Number of hate mails received: 1.
• Number of hate mails received mentioned above that were actually about my other blog and were sent by someone who not only didn't appreciate my story about feeding chickens to tigers, but who also hopes that: "a tiger eats you, jerk!": 1.

I think that about covers it, don't you?

Beginnings.

If a page is created on the Internet and nobody knows it, is it still there?

If a page is created on the Internet and nobody knows it, does it matter?

If a page is created on the Internet and Google hasn't noticed it, can anyone find it?

If a page is created on the Internet and Google hasn't noticed it so nobody can find it, is it still there?

(Note: Find out how long it takes Google to notice pages.)

If a page is created on the Internet and Google has noticed it but no one else has, is it still there?

If a page is created on the Internet and Google knows it's there ....

Never mind.

First post!